4 years tomorrow...4 years...wow. It seems so unreal that it has been 4 years. Time doesn't slow down, does it? Alison was still pregnant with Adam, now has a new little girl. Allison is now pregnant with her 3rd little one, Hank was just a few months old. Look what can happen it 4 years. I've moved, changed jobs twice, adopted a zoo. I then think look at what can happen in just one year. My journey the past year has been a challenging but such a spiritual growing year to say the least and also a healing year. Last December was extremely difficult for me...really one of my lowest times in the past 4 years. I think some of it was the numbness had worn off and I had been standing still, just standing in the pain and hurt. I couldn't let go. I was not in a good place at all. I was dealing with alot of unresolved issues I had in many aspects of my life. (As I am writing this, I'm thinking, wow, you are being really transparent on some of this...some fear just jumped into my heart. If you are reading this, I must have been brave enough to select publish) Anyway, I had put myself in the role of encourager, I had to be the strong one (or thought I was, or was trying to be in that role)...I was trying to keep it all together for everyone else. I wasn't paying attention to me...see I was the one still frozen in my pain and hurt.
December 15, 2007, I was at my appt with my new therapist I had been seeing since October. He was a Christian counselor (I didn't know this when I signed up with him, I went through the EAP program at work, funny how God puts the right people in our lives and the right time)...anyway...I was at a new low and cried the whole session...seriously...nose running sobbing...Everything seemed to spinning out of control. I was out of control. I don't even remember what we talked about or if I could talk. As our session was ending, he asked if he could pray with me. He prayed such a strong prayer, he prayed for peace for me. Now he is a Christian counselor, but he had never prayed with me and we only discuss religion if I bring it up. As he prayed, my heart began to calm, I could breathe, I was filled with peace at that moment. I felt the Holy Spirit hug me and hold me. I felt His true Peace. That moment as I reflect on the past year has been a defining moment in my journey. I had lost control of it all, I could do no more, all I could do was cry out to God. And it was God, remember me? Summer? I need You!
Ok...so back up a little bit... the past couple of months my therapist and I had been working on some other issues (believe me, I have plenty LOL) and one was going to church. Since my parents divorce, I have not been active in church or actively even going to church...that's been over 15 years. I could justify it too...and I was good at it. I was the one the pastor preaches too loud, the deacon didn't greet me, the preacher's kids were snotty (lol). Seriously, I have found many of reasons why I didn't need to go to church. I was still a Christian, I still prayed, I even tivoed Joel Osteen every week and don't forget I was a preacher's kid. I put alot of time in during the first 13 years of my life. It should cover me for awhile, right? Why was he pushing me back to Church? The church had hurt me, the church judged me, the church walked away when my Dad walked away. That weekend, Mom and I went to church and it was different. I didn't cry during the service. I didn't feel that hurt. We went back the next week and it was good again. God was working on me. God was saying, Summer come home. It's good to see you in my house. He still loved me.
The first series our pastor preached on in 2008 was Downpour - Are you looking for God to do something new in your life in 2008? Has your Christian experience lost some its vitality? Experience a new and fresh downpour of God's presence. Ok, wow, just what I needed. God, Did you set this up? I begin reading His Word, words were popping of the pages. Things I had never read before were there written in bold. My mom also gave me a new bible...I had still been using the same one I was given for my 13th birthday. It still had highlighted sections from my Dad's sermons. I had to put that in the past. God was giving me a new refreshed start. I had to let go, I had to let the hurt go. I had to start moving again. I had a sense of hope for the first time in who knows.
I can truly say I have found a church home now. The church has brought me back to old friends. Who was in Biblical Foundations class with us --Matt and Allison. :) Yeah, God just started lining things up for me...now was God always there...Absolutely...I just put my faith in trust back in him. My yoke was heavy and I was trying to carry it all by myself. It all became a bit easier when you realize God's in control....no matter how bad I want to be in control...He's got it taken care of. We went on a lady's retreat, volunteered at the Women's conference as greeters. And then when I knew I had turned a corner, that something was different with me...I was inviting people to church. Ok -- think about this --- I had been avoiding the church, running from the church, surely not trying to invite anyone to church --- but here I was, I needed to tell people what I found. Not that I found a church, I had found my Father. I was home again and it felt good.
Like I started this blog, It has been a journey --one that I am still on --- learning and growing in His word. Trusting Him. Surrendering it all to him. Forgiving. Loving. That's why this year, I have a new Peace about Marc's anniversary. Does my heart still hurt, it does. I cried unexpectedly earlier this evening. Kinda caught me off guard. I miss him. I miss my grandma. That won't change, but I can remember them, remember the laughter, remember the silliness, remember the music. I get to always remember them and you know what else...I will get to spend eternity with them. My world had fallen out from me and now I am still standing - in Him.
My footprints from last Thursday - Found in Him - Still Standing
My song for tonight - heard it on the way home from work - got a couple of new favs--will post them later
Shadowfeet
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day
[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way
[CHORUS]
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things
[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
My Scripture for the year:
Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
Much Love,
Summer
